but it's my first time living too

At the age of fifteen I used to think that I know everything but at the age of twenty I'm living a life knowing nothing.

My life was surrounded by people who always thought I could do things and understand things easier, faster and more creative than others. They have always compared me to other kids and called me a smart child simply because I learn things more quickly than they do. They have always painted me into a character that I'm truly not. They always believe I can handle things on my own simply because I force myself to grow up as an 'easy child' and not to burden anyone. 

It sounds great at one point, doesn't it? to surround yourself with people who never stop believing in you and know that you can accomplish anything without help but I wish I hadn't been that 'independent child' they always thought I was.

I've always done well academically and made the honor roll ever since I was a young child. They called me the artistic child, the creative one, simply because at five years old I can distinguish colors more easily than other children. The gifted kid who excels in writing simply because at the age of ten, I won a journalism contest in one try after just one week of training whereas other kids needed a year to win. The head of the class, the class president, simply because my classmates follows my rules and regulations obediently, simply because I rose to the position of leader for several clubs. The talented child they always put in school competition simply because I never get scared trying than others at the age of fifteen.

The quick learner, the adaptable, the child they never had to be worried about. I keep on pushing myself to do things for others simply because people expect me to know anything and to succeed in everything. I figured them all out on my own. I wish I hadn't been that 'who knows all' child they always believe I was.

Living as the eldest child in the family. No one ever warned me about the thin line of happiness and sorrows it comes within. As someone who they let to figure out things all alone. They gave me the unspoken responsibility to be the one who teach, who understand and who care about others. I grew up thinking that prioritizing others is far more significant. The one to lead, to guide and to act as the glue of the family and to be the one who always takes one foot ahead before anyone else.

It's like carrying the weight of everyone's expectations and steps for growth on my back yet I can never seem to disagree. As they let me believe that I can always manage situations no matter how difficult they were. However, I wish I hadn't been that 'strong child' they always thought I was. 

This leads me to be the one who always takes the initiative, to always be the one to give a warm embrace, a comfort and sense of belonging to anyone who needed it. I was busy experiencing my teenage life. Busy taking the academic path I'm in. Busy nurturing child I never birth to. Busy becoming a third parent to a burning house. Busy maintaining relationships I never want to fall off. I became busy with all the expectations they put me through just because they believe I am capable of handling everything on my own. 

It's like they see me without any urge to fail just because they believe I can always do things that only leads for success. How am I supposed to live off with everyone's expectations when I feel like I'm not living my own life anymore ? 

Why am I bearing such a heavy burden of life, when it's my first time living too? 

Why should I have to figure everything out right away, when it's my first time living too?

Why should I not be able to fail or commit any mistakes, when it's my first time living too ? 

It's frightening to see everyone look at you with so much hope, with so much faith and belief that you can do everything on your own. The reality is I get weak and exhausted. I'm not strong all the time. Everything feels blank with the immense feeling this environment leads me, it's loving, validating, supporting yet the pressure not to disappoint anyone is always there. I'm grateful to be surrounded by people who never doubt my abilities but please understand that I'm also capable of failing, giving up and making mistakes. They lifted me to such an altitude that I'm afraid I might fall. 

When I was younger, I thought I was an excellent child just like everyone else around made me think, only to realize as an adult that I was mediocre. However, there's no shame on that. Everybody lives a double life, excelling at what they truly love and performing mediocrely at things they are required to do. No human being can ever be perfertly mediocre or excellent in a lifetime. We simultaneously had both of them. We ought to get used in accepting this reality. What I've learned is that it's okay not to know everything and to not always be strong. It's acceptable to not always get things right or to make mistakes. It's okay to ask for help and rely on others. It's okay to feel lost at some moment. It's okay to forget about everyone else and that I can choose myself without feeling bad about it.

I always carry my past with me, the frail, broken and unhealed one. This present me who learn, slow down and choose myself and my future self who is ready to bloom. It's okay to know nothing because everything eventually change and since this is my first time living, I ought to treat myself with more kindness. To live a life for myself and not for others.