November Blues
As October fades away, it leaves behind a weighty silence, suffocating and oppressive. November rushes in, a relentless whirlwind of endless tasks and responsibilities, sweeping me off my feet and plunging me into chaos.
For years, November has been a month of turmoil, a cruel reminder of life’s harshest trials. It feels as if all my struggles converge into this one month, each challenge plunging me like I'm the strongest soldier. Compounded by the bittersweet echoes of my birthday blues that linger like a haunting melody. I often wonder if November is truly a cursed month or if I’ve simply carried this heaviness within me all along, a burden that grows heavier with each passing year. I find myself trapped in a state of perpetual unrest, neither truly happy nor sad like a river flowing aimlessly, lost in its own currents, unsure of its destination. The days bleed into one another, each moment a reminder of what I’ve lost and what I’ve yet to find.
One evening, as my sister and I walked home, we spontaneously decided to stop by the nearest McDonald's, a small act of rebellion against the weight of our lives treating ourselves with foods that give a small joy. In recent weeks, we hadn’t shared any meaningful moments, our conversations reduced to mere exchanges of words but we both understood that we needed each other’s company even for a short moment. As we sat there, surrounded by the clamor of laughter and chatter, our conversation drifted to the complexities of life, igniting a sense of urgency to strive for something greater. I used to achieve so much with ease, my accomplishments a source of pride yet they never filled the void within me. Instead, they became reminders of my discontent, prompting me to walk away from it all to retreat into the shadows.
I’ve confined myself within the four walls of my college classroom, spending years in a state of isolation just existing, observing, and lacking the desire to connect with new people. I once believed that this was where I would find true happiness but it never came. The vibrant colors of my emotions have dulled, leaving me in a gray landscape where I used to feel everything so intensely. Now, that depth of feeling often swings to its opposite, leaving me feeling profoundly empty. November is a paradox, a battleground of my toughest struggles intertwined with the most bizarre transformations of my life. I know what I want and the path I wish to take yet sometimes life feels so exhausting that I lose my way, wandering through the fog of uncertainty. Perhaps it’s okay to feel lost, to surrender to the flow of life and simply let things be even if that surrender feels like giving in to the darkness that looms ever closer.
