maybe some dreams are better left to die

I had the same dream every morning as a child. I want to become a lawyer. It was always dream that makes people passionate, hardworking, patient and strong. We all have dreams we want to fulfill and my dream is to become a lawyer. I want to help people. I wish I could help people. 

There was thunderous cheering coming from every area of the covered court. Clapping two hands together loudly at the same time. Parents stood next to their kids wearing white dresses and polo's, white socks and shiny shoes wrapping their small feets along with their togas. The entire place is filled with flowers of different hues for the decoration. The sun is extremely bright. The weather is nice and wind blowing gives comfort. The cloud formations are so visible and appear very blue. The stage are so

spacious. Fathers with freshly trimmed hair and mothers with their appealing makeup and wonderful attire all appear quite elegant. Their eyes sparkle with joy, flashing a proud smile. They both had a visibly euphoric expression on their faces. I was in the middle. Exact middle just like the red carpet in the aisle of the two row of seats separating boys and girls. In the middle of every student who receive an achievement. As they grasp tightly a piece of paper on what they called diploma. My father is holding my little hand as I look upon him grinning from ear to ear. He is holding certificates and there's a bunch of medals placed upon me. This is probably what they meant by graduation. The event was over as the blue sky started to fade, we returned to our home, we were greeted by our neighbors and many familiar faces. My parents thanked them followed by these words "syempre anak ko yan" when they proclaimed me brilliant. I feel like I was above the clouds that I could be a lawyer the next day but the truth is, I just finished kindergarten. 

One day in my fuzzy memory. I was alone when I received the certificate for winning the feature writing contest for a news publication held in taytay. Walking on the stairs as I reached the stage. I was once again in the middle. In the middle of every teachers smiling as one of them handed me the medal. The court is three times bigger than what I see before. This time, the decorations are more simpler. There are different faces from different schools. Everyone is clapping. I came down and walk towards my mentor. She smiled looking so proud as she congratulate me from winning. As everyone gathered, a photographer invited us over to take a picture, at which point I was squeezed in between the teachers and students who had won the writing contest. Following the event. We came back to school and as we were about to leave for home, I noticed a familiar sight on the school gate. My face was there. It's on a huge tarpaulin. I stared at it. The school posted it as a congratulatory. It was in the middle of every other tarpaulin from the previous school competition. I couldn't even recall how I manage to enter writing, what was my idea before ? who inspires me ? one thing I know for sure is that I like watching news. I will quietly open our box shaped television, pushing the broken button on the right corner for it to fully open then a news will appear. I cannot recall the exact channel but it was interesting for me. Sitting and listening quietly as I faced the screen waiting for my mother to shout "kain na" as a cignal for dinner. Then came the elementary school graduation. As I give my mentor my parting remarks. She then said "Wag mo akong kalimutan kapag abugado kana or pwede ka namang bumalik sa pagsulat anak," after that she congratulate me. She smiled broadly, as did my mother. They both appear lovely. I am confident that I might become one someday with every affirmation I received. 

Another year passed by, I become a highschool student. I never shined so brightly like others but I can say that I am one of those millions stars who just shine. I achieve whatever I want to achieve. I got support from my parents, teachers and friends. My parents would always tell me I could be a lawyer someday. I just need to study hard so that's what I did. I pour my blood, sweat and tears. I make them proud and it makes me proud too. With my ignorance, the world look so small. It look peaceful as if all of these people I know and met will always be here. It resembles a world full with love. Every day that passed feels like I'm getting closer to my dream. As if I am walking to a straight road that at the end of it there will be me achieving my dream. A period of time. During sunday school, I have the experience of being an assistant teacher in our community church. It was a good day and playing with these sweet kids made me miss my younger years. They all appear so innocent and youthful. They are entertaining to be around and nice. I was then genuinely happy to teach. I have a strong sense that becoming a teacher can make a difference in the world, yet my desire to become a lawyer is still quite strong. Since I was little, I had always wanted to take that course in college. I would even fantasize of me inside the court helping people to win their case  but there was an unexpected pandemic happened. I opened my eyes to a world I didn't even recognize. It is not the stars and rainbows anymore. Everything look so cruel and dark. I've come into a realization that maybe it is not the pandemic that cause all of it, but it is actually the world adults live with. I am becoming adult. When I was a child I am constant with the dreams I wanted to achieve but growing old I learned that we have to take steps away from that.

A gloomy morning. Uncombed hair, oversized clothing and an empty stomach. It's only 7:00 in the morning yet I can't help but yawn since I still feel drowsy. I sat in front of my computer and look at the college application forms as I sip the coffee I made for myself. There are just two nearby universities that I can attend. Since the thought of attending a school that demands frequent travel exhausts me, I have never had the courage to apply to other schools, nor have I ever wanted to ask my parents for a large amount of money every day that I attend class. They are already having trouble with our daily budget. Despite the fact that they both have jobs. I'd never want to make things worse.I discovered when surfing the web that the nearby universities don't offer the political science and even mass communication courses I'm interested in taking. I lose hope in an instant since I can already see how things will turn out. Later that night, I told my parents that I couldn't get into the courses I really wanted, My parents said they would work hard to let me pursue political science but I have never had the confidence to take that option. Deep inside me know that's not even an option. I could not afford to watch my aging parents labor two jobs. Our family of seven has expenses that range from daily to monthly. I have four younger siblings who also needs to study. My father experienced a stroke once. My mother puts an hours work a day to earn a hundred pesos salary. I never want them to work too much, that will definitely broke my heart more than the dream course I couldn't take.

Another day had passed my friends urge me to fill out the forms already because it will be more hard to lose a slot. I'm back in front of my computer, entering the necessary data. I feel as though my entire universe is breaking apart. The screen blurs as my tears fall. I recall hearing the phrase "Libre lang mangarap" why do they have to lie ? Dreaming takes a lot of money which I do not have. I believe that was the hardest choice I had to make. What I feel is a betrayal to my younger self. "I am sorry" I say. I make it believe I could be a lawyer someday but I guess not. It felt like she is staring at me looking so sad and stuck between the thoughts of being okay with my choice and being extremely sad because I didn't fight for it hardly. I could have done something more but I was not brave enough to ask for other people's help. I then submit to one university only in the hopes of being accepted. I pondered the hard reality that the universe had for a split second allowed me to believe that I was capable of achieving my dreams. I did not, on this part. I think of how hard it is to be unprivileged I couldn't even afford to fail. I always need to figure out things at once because I believe that failing means delaying. I never want to delay anything in my life because that just means that my parents needs to continue working everytime I delay. All my life, the world let me believe that dreams meant to be achieved and it will be worth fighting for but I never had the courage to do that. As senior highschool class ended, I submitted one last paperwork to my teacher in work immersion. She then said " Thank you anak, You did well in hosting and communicating with your peers kahit ngayong semester mo lang sila nakita. Mag education ka ba ? bagay sayo ". I can remember it clearly. I just nod and smile. After that I received a leadership award. I will be facing another lifetime. A slapped of reality.

I enter first year college with a broken heart. I even cry infront of the class when our teacher asked us on why we choose to take education. I spent each days thinking what if's, wondering if this is were I got to be. My potential could do something more but the world is stopping me. During second semester we have this subject where we are sent outside to practice teaching. Despite the fact that I have experience assisting kids because of sunday schools at church and tutoring my younger siblings. I felt uneasy about it. We met different kids each friday and on each days I learned things that broke me. One thing is that I do not actually hate teaching childrens. What I hate is that I see my younger self in them. A child full of hopes and dreams just to get broken for being unprivileged. It was a coping mechanism saying I hate kids when the truth is I keep on seeing younger me. I felt ashamed. I take my hatred to innocent childs. When I become aware of my own thoughts and feelings. I try to take a slow step in actually processing the moments in accepting my fate. I guess the world did not stop me, it redirect me to something bigger. I did not choose education, it is the one who choose me. It takes me 13 years dreaming about becoming a lawyer and 10 months to accept my fate in teaching. I guess sometimes it's okay let some dreams die. I am still slowly loving the process, learning and accepting things. Presenting in front makes me more happy and fulfilled now. On this part, I do not gaslight myself anymore like I used to. I do not blame the world anymore. I do not put hatred for being unprivileged anymore. This one came from my heart in a light way. I would love to love teaching. 

I guess teaching is not just a profession. It is a calling, you woke up each day as a shining star of a younger generation. Each time you talk change a life you're not even aware of. I can still remember the teachers I have during elementary and highschool who mold me into the person I am today. To the potential that I'm so shy to show. Without them I wouldn't be able to write essays like this. Without them I wouldn't be able to speak in front without my legs shaking. Without them I wouldn't be able to love teaching. I learned to love teaching because they make me believe to the power it have. Our whole existence will be our weapon, we just need to do it with our hearts. Dreams are not always meant to be achieved. Sometimes the universe needs to slap us hard for us to get broken, for us to be awake, for us to open our eyes to see another doors we tend to neglect before. My whole life as a student has been surrounded by my teachers. They are my mentor who open the box of my potential, unmasked the face and voice I tried so hard to hide. Little did I know that all of those are a foreshadowing of my adult career. I am surrounded by them because I am meant to become like them. I may not be able to achieve the dream I have when I was a child but I will do my best to achieve it's one virtue 'I want to help people, I wish I could help people ".